kiss me, but don't

why do i
toss up my hands
cover my head
giggle and flash you a smile and pretend
it will be another way
deflect the kisses
you would so lovingly bestow
guard my forehead and nose and eyelids
from your affection?

i'm so scared

if i give in
will it mean i must be so fully yours
i'm not my own anymore
and be forever caught
in your place
of rest i didn't wish for
that i must dream
the dreams of your heart
that haven't been mine?

it seems silly

affirmation of the unexpected

73.  feeling air rushing fast into my lungs
74.  sharing donuts
75.  eight hours of sleep
76.  shortening mini-blinds without having to read the directions
77.  unexpected sunshine
78.  broken stereotypes
79.  family shenanigans
80.  scent of crayons
81.  weeping for things that shouldn't be
82.  smiles, reminding me that really, we're all the same
83.  a man affirming a woman's value in the simple act of inviting her to dance
84.  laughter of a friend, so amusing it makes me laugh, too
85.  mayonnaise
86.  emotional exhaustion
87.  slippers, comfy clothes, and ponytails
88.  remembering the times you've filled me when I was empty
89.  corn oysters and tuna cakes and meals shared with friends

I am?

I am 
. . . not good enough.
. . . not smart enough.
. . . not kind enough.
. . . not pretty enough.
. . . not careful enough.
. . . not gracious enough.
. . . not thin enough.
. . . not selfless enough.
. . . not graceful enough.
. . . not diligent enough.
. . . not talented enough.
. . . not wise enough.

. . . too quiet.
. . . too selfish.
. . . too serious.
. . . too wishy-washy.
. . . too scared.
. . . too self-conscious.
. . . too uncoordinated.
. . . too silly.
. . . too mean.
. . . too dependent.
. . . too messy.
. . . too perfectionistic.

but

I AM 
. . . is always faithful when I am not.

. . . loves me without bounds.

. . . has compassion on me in my faults.

. . . isn't quickly angered by my foolishness.

. . . offers rest to my tired heart.

. . . knows the fragileness of me.

. . . satisfies my desires with good things.

. . . gave up everything so I could be with him.

. . . fills my hungry and thirsty soul.

. . . quiets my restlessness with his love.

. . . delights in me (to my utter disbelief).

. . . is powerful in my weakness.

. . . shows his mercies new to me each day.

. . . is turning my ashes into a thing of beauty.