kiss me, but don't

why do i
toss up my hands
cover my head
giggle and flash you a smile and pretend
it will be another way
deflect the kisses
you would so lovingly bestow
guard my forehead and nose and eyelids
from your affection?

i'm so scared

if i give in
will it mean i must be so fully yours
i'm not my own anymore
and be forever caught
in your place
of rest i didn't wish for
that i must dream
the dreams of your heart
that haven't been mine?

it seems silly

affirmation of the unexpected

73.  feeling air rushing fast into my lungs
74.  sharing donuts
75.  eight hours of sleep
76.  shortening mini-blinds without having to read the directions
77.  unexpected sunshine
78.  broken stereotypes
79.  family shenanigans
80.  scent of crayons
81.  weeping for things that shouldn't be
82.  smiles, reminding me that really, we're all the same
83.  a man affirming a woman's value in the simple act of inviting her to dance
84.  laughter of a friend, so amusing it makes me laugh, too
85.  mayonnaise
86.  emotional exhaustion
87.  slippers, comfy clothes, and ponytails
88.  remembering the times you've filled me when I was empty
89.  corn oysters and tuna cakes and meals shared with friends

I am?

I am 
. . . not good enough.
. . . not smart enough.
. . . not kind enough.
. . . not pretty enough.
. . . not careful enough.
. . . not gracious enough.
. . . not thin enough.
. . . not selfless enough.
. . . not graceful enough.
. . . not diligent enough.
. . . not talented enough.
. . . not wise enough.

. . . too quiet.
. . . too selfish.
. . . too serious.
. . . too wishy-washy.
. . . too scared.
. . . too self-conscious.
. . . too uncoordinated.
. . . too silly.
. . . too mean.
. . . too dependent.
. . . too messy.
. . . too perfectionistic.

but

I AM 
. . . is always faithful when I am not.

. . . loves me without bounds.

. . . has compassion on me in my faults.

. . . isn't quickly angered by my foolishness.

. . . offers rest to my tired heart.

. . . knows the fragileness of me.

. . . satisfies my desires with good things.

. . . gave up everything so I could be with him.

. . . fills my hungry and thirsty soul.

. . . quiets my restlessness with his love.

. . . delights in me (to my utter disbelief).

. . . is powerful in my weakness.

. . . shows his mercies new to me each day.

. . . is turning my ashes into a thing of beauty.

you, in everything

57.  a mirror snapshot of my beautiful little city in the early morning light
58.  disappointments that force me to look to you when I'd been looking elsewhere
59.  a fine-less parking citation reminding me of mercy I don't deserve
60.  being counted worthy of trust
61.  singing and praying with a roomful of people who love Jesus
62.  a friend going out of his way to help me feel safe
63.  the hard questions
64.  smell of old books
65.  snuggly cats
66.  uncontrollable laughter, lurking
67.  a warm bed
68.  snowballs thrown
69.  laughter and constant songs of a friend at work
70.  realizing that one thing I just read lines up with another thing much later-- and that you meant it to
71.  in irritation at a co-worker's constant gripes, suddenly recognizing that I was just doing the very same to you and you love me still
72.  you, making yourself known in my thoughts

breathe in

44. a daddy who takes my car out to put air in the tires at 11:00 P.M.
45. a Papa in Heaven who loves me even more than my daddy
46. flashes of light filling the dark sky
47. deep breaths
48. baby tummies
49. men's voices singing strong
50. the heaviness of my heart drawing me to you
51. morning sky, so beatiful it steals my breath
52. pumpkin seed-flinging giggles
53. cleaning showers in the dark, a newfound friend with a headlamp alongside
54. God's word speaking to me!
55. sticky-notes smelling unmistakeably of evergreen?
56. conversation with a good friend over dinner

Bittersweet sunshine

30.  bitter tears of brokenness and the knowing that I CAN'T DO THIS LIFE WITHOUT YOU.
31.  white-grey clouds wisping across the pale blue sky
32.  the protective scolding of an older brother to his smeary-faced little sister
33.  a song following me through the day... reminding me of my hope
34.  sitting half-cricket on a kitchen chair
35.  the delicious smell of mown grass on a warm fall afternoon
36.  the rest that sickness requires
37.  golden glow of a sunset beginning
38.  a table set and a candle flicker
39.  rest for tired legs
40.  remnants of the sunrise
41.  woodsmoke
42.  not-so-little brother telling me to "SLOOOOOOWWW DOWWWWWNNN!"
43.  kneading, patting, smoothing plump bread dough

Grace in stormclouds

19. unexpected letter in the mail
20. words of Scripture, from a friend, speaking to my soul
21. a comfy thick sweatshirt on a chill evening
22. the sound of rain on trees and grass
23. drying hands on jeans
24. holding the cool, smooth hand of a second mother, giving thanks
25. rainbows-- the reminders of God's kept promises
26. dark, swollen stormclouds against a golden afternoon sky
27. hail and heavy rain in the midst of sunshine
28. breathing warmth into a scarf tucked close about my neck and chin
29. irate co-workers-- disguised opportunities for learning to give grace

God's gifts...

1.  once-black hair, pulled back from her face like a girl's
2.  dusty doggy paws, leaving smears on jeans
3.  warm rolls, barely crusty outside
4.  the outline of veins in cat's ears, revealed by sun
5.  scrubby grass and wildflowers, greens and purples and beiges mingled
6.  misting rain on my face
7.  a hug from one familiar, but hardly known
8.  a man's voice reading the Savior's words with gentle strength
9.  exchanged looks of bewildered amusement
10. wind and sun blowing through leafy trees
11. bare feet slapping on cool wood and linoleum floors
12. old, homely, cozy sweater-- once my mama's, now shared between me and my sister
13. hilarious dog escapades enjoyed with family
14. a cooing little voice
15. cobalt and amethyst flowers winding their vines and curls up a support wire
16. vibrant orange garden anemones
17.  a day that hasn't decided which it is, summer or fall?
18. saying "anemone" over and over and becoming utterly confused about spelling and pronunciation

Maki Life

I discovered sushi about a year ago.  Apprehension had always kept me from it at the Chinese buffets and on restaurant menus-- fear of those names I couldn’t pronounce and didn’t understand, the ingredients I could never quite recognize or identify. Somehow, though, I was persuaded to try it one day at a friend’s birthday celebration… and I fell in love. The fusion of textures and flavors was irresistible, and the fact that maki was best eaten in one giant mouthful amused me to no end. 

It's hard to separate the different ingredients of the maki; and if you try, it never turns out quite right. 

Today I read this:

Shout with joy to the LORD, all the earth! Worship the LORD with gladness. Come before him, singing with joy. Acknowledge that the LORD is God! He made us, and we are his. We are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving; go into his courts with praise. Give thanks to him and praise his name. For the LORD is good. His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation.  (Psalm 100:1-5, NLT)

Joy and thanks and knowing who God is and knowing who we are-- they're all wrapped up together, inseparable. It’s like maki: you can’t have one without the others. Not truly, anyway.  Each component by itself is good, no doubt; but none are so whole or beautiful alone as rolled into this one magnificent melange.

Maki life... this is the life I long for.