the taste of a stammer

141.  mushroom pizza
142.  baby E.'s sly grin
143.  two busy people taking time to invest in me
144.  stammering out thoughts instead of remaining silent
145.  chuckling over hilarious family photos
146.  an answer at just the right time
147.  longing for you
148.  God on our lips
149.  animated conversations had while crouched on a basement floor
150.  realizing that you are more than I thought
151.  a place of safety
152.  the first taste of the Filling

break-ins of truth

125.  Hayden (...really all that can be said)
126.  not hurting Alfie when I ran into a concrete curb (I hope...)
127.  sleeping in
128.  being able to function upon getting up
129.  an invitation to tea
130.  affirmation that I'm not just stupid
131.  the lovely smile of the girl who took my order
132.  the VIP guys
133.  K. helping at work before she even punched in
134.  a place to go where it's warm
135.  successfully crawling in a window at the L. house
136.  random gift of sushi!
137.  snuggles from Mia
138.  Moxie's vigor for life
139.  unlocked cellar doors
140.  telling the truth

peppermint laughter

107.  peppermint hot chocolate
108.  my supervisor's hilarious laughter over the huge mess I made at work
109.  sharing sushi
110.  speaking the heartache
111.  driving around for over a half hour with C. so we wouldn't have to stop talking
112.  asking silly questions and laughing about it later
113.  the barista at starbucks calling me by my name (so what, he read it off my cup?)
114.  the feeling of emptiness that paradoxically reminds me of the fullness I truly have in Christ
115.  breath
116.  a downy cat tummy
117.  creme horns
118.  stretching out the tenseness
119.  so many hugs
120.  talking about life over "Chinese" with S. 
121.  dancing a love story
122.  harmonies-- thank you thank you thank you for creating these!!
123.  two CD's full of joyousness!
124.  laughing with my family

a merry kiss

90.   smiles playing at the corners of one's mouth
91.   sneezing and receiving a "bless you!" from a stranger
92.   blowing kisses
93.   snuggling with a little one
94.   kissing a doggie head
95.   smell of apples
96.   four-hour conversations at Starbucks
97.   reconnecting
98.   a gravy-faced cat
99.   fictional girlhood heroes that still ring true
100.  irrepressible laughter, tears escaping and breath gasping
101.  rosy cheeks
102.  twinkling eyes
103.  Hershey kiss wrappers accidentally-on-purpose tossed into my drinking cup
104.  prayers of thanks and hands grasped
105.  my heart, full to the brim
106.  the hopes of a new beginning

kiss me, but don't

why do i
toss up my hands
cover my head
giggle and flash you a smile and pretend
it will be another way
deflect the kisses
you would so lovingly bestow
guard my forehead and nose and eyelids
from your affection?

i'm so scared

if i give in
will it mean i must be so fully yours
i'm not my own anymore
and be forever caught
in your place
of rest i didn't wish for
that i must dream
the dreams of your heart
that haven't been mine?

it seems silly

affirmation of the unexpected

73.  feeling air rushing fast into my lungs
74.  sharing donuts
75.  eight hours of sleep
76.  shortening mini-blinds without having to read the directions
77.  unexpected sunshine
78.  broken stereotypes
79.  family shenanigans
80.  scent of crayons
81.  weeping for things that shouldn't be
82.  smiles, reminding me that really, we're all the same
83.  a man affirming a woman's value in the simple act of inviting her to dance
84.  laughter of a friend, so amusing it makes me laugh, too
85.  mayonnaise
86.  emotional exhaustion
87.  slippers, comfy clothes, and ponytails
88.  remembering the times you've filled me when I was empty
89.  corn oysters and tuna cakes and meals shared with friends

I am?

I am 
. . . not good enough.
. . . not smart enough.
. . . not kind enough.
. . . not pretty enough.
. . . not careful enough.
. . . not gracious enough.
. . . not thin enough.
. . . not selfless enough.
. . . not graceful enough.
. . . not diligent enough.
. . . not talented enough.
. . . not wise enough.

. . . too quiet.
. . . too selfish.
. . . too serious.
. . . too wishy-washy.
. . . too scared.
. . . too self-conscious.
. . . too uncoordinated.
. . . too silly.
. . . too mean.
. . . too dependent.
. . . too messy.
. . . too perfectionistic.

but

I AM 
. . . is always faithful when I am not.

. . . loves me without bounds.

. . . has compassion on me in my faults.

. . . isn't quickly angered by my foolishness.

. . . offers rest to my tired heart.

. . . knows the fragileness of me.

. . . satisfies my desires with good things.

. . . gave up everything so I could be with him.

. . . fills my hungry and thirsty soul.

. . . quiets my restlessness with his love.

. . . delights in me (to my utter disbelief).

. . . is powerful in my weakness.

. . . shows his mercies new to me each day.

. . . is turning my ashes into a thing of beauty.